Laying it out there.

OK, I am just laying it out there. I am not the happy camper I used to be and I want that to change.

I have constant pain from Pancreatitis. I am sure it is made worse by my depression. In fact I think the depression alone hurts. I have so many aches and pains that I never had before and they really wear me down. I have good days and bad days, but no matter what, I have the dark cloud sitting heavy on my chest and it just wont shake loose. I have plenty of reasons to be depressed, but I am fighting for the reasons to be happy. There are plenty of those too, but it can be really hard to see them behind the cloud.

I also really don't like taking pain killers. They don't work all that well and they have uncomfortable side effects so, more often than not, I just leave them in the bottle and deal with the pain. The nausea doesn't help either, lol. Every time I eat, even when it is light, it hits, though sometimes are easier than others.

I have been on depression medicine for awhile now and it has been helpful but not complete for me. I have had different kinds over the last few years and I am with the one that seems to work the best with the least side effects for me, yet still I get mired deep in the dark places all to often. Stress, whether it is physical, mental, or emotional makes it so much worse. I really feel like a downer to everyone and that is not who I am at heart. I try to keep it in check but it gets away from me.

I have tried several types of therapies with little by way of positive results. My friends and family have been the best medicine, yet when I get in deeper parts of depression I push them all away and sadly, I push really hard. Everyone I love will be driven away from me if things go on like this and then I really will have a reason to let loose my inner darkness. My inner darkness is always self destructive and never harmful to anyone else, so at least I have that to be thankful for. I am sorry to everyone that I have let down and they know who they are.

Today is a good day(for the moment at least) but it changes so fast and there is nothing I have been able to do about it. I still don't give up though, because everyone else is too important to me to lose. I love passionately and that love is the rock I cling to when everything else seems to be washing away.

Loving the moment for what it is, when it is and where it is. Cheers! ~H