Sure I had reasons to let my self go.
The constant pain, some days less, other days much worse, had lots to do with it. The depression set in at some point during the second year after my second surgery. Until then I actually held it together remarkably well. It was hard to get used to some things. I knew that there were always things that could be worse. I knew there were people in the world that had lost children, loved ones, and suffered all their life. I knew the world was wrought with misery that few could really understand, yet all to many could. I hated feeling bad not because I was sick or in pain but because I felt I let others down, as silly as it may sound. I felt arrogant to allow my self to be sick and weak. I felt actual shame because of a condition I could not have controlled. Life fell away at that point and I would have given up if I didn't have my loved ones. Things went up and down and I know it was more than a challenge to be one of those I cared about, and when I tried to make things easier for them I usually just made it all worse.
There wasn't anything anyone could do. They threw every treatment at me they could find. Nothing seemed to work. That went on for years and it beat me down. Then there was a change, however temporary, and it was wonderful.
At this point though l had trouble believing positively in things as it seemed the world had been out to get me over the last few years. For awhile, even when things were good, I couldn't see the light in things. I wallowed in my own thoughts and made things worse when they could have been better. My mind was wicked and my worst enemy. It pained me even more, adding to my already heavy load.
It didn't help that the doctor's were worried for me, as well as my friends. They all tried to help but I was stubborn and even when I was trying to be "happy" for them, they all knew it was an act. I never wanted anyone to see how I really felt because I was ashamed of it and I hated, yes hated, feeling so powerless. I let certain thoughts rule me. Now and again I would climb up out of the pit but all to often it was short lived. Even though I wanted to hide this it effected everyone around me. I felt like I had let everyone down. Being sick and weak, when I had always been the guy that was strong and shouldered burdons for my friends, ate at me like no other demon could. As I said before, my mind was wicked and my worst enemy.
The people I loved the most suffered the most, knowing when I was in pain even when I didn't say a thing. The pain wasn't the worst of it though. It was the loss of the spark that had always moved me. The happiness I had always had in life even when others couldn't or wouldn't see the bright side. That part of me seemed to get lost somewhere. I wanted desparately to find it. It has been a long and very difficult search.
I have tried getting better for others but I still felt rotten about myself. I am doing this is for me because it has to be that way. I have worth, and value. Somehow I actually accept that again. Sure I am sick and still in pain more often than not. I really don't care about that anymore(at least until I can't see strait, as then it kinda becomes a problem). It may never get better but I don't have to be ruled by it anymore. I can stop the riotous mind that has so powerully captured and held captive the best parts of me. I am not ashamed, as silly as it seems to me, to say the tears are freely flowing as I write this. Again, I am doing this for me, to remind myself not to go down the wrong path. I am sharing this with the world, even if the world doesn't read it or care, because it needs to get out of me in a way not hidden to others as I have always done in the past.
It has taken an enormous effort, and it will most likely continue to do so, but I have finally stepped out of my regrets and self sorrow. I want to stay that way. I claimed to have my attitude back recently and I let everyone know it. That was a start for me. There has been some "I will beleive it when I see it and I will humor you for now because I know better" kind of patronizing behavior. If they choose to disbelieve I don't mind. I gave them enough reasons to be skeptical. This isn't for them as I have said a few times already. It is for me. Now I am letting go in a different way. The good way.
The rest of "everything" will be interesting if nothing else.
~H
